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Dr. Amber Hull's avatar

I wrote this little piece of satire as a reflection on a certain Stanford-affiliated podcaster. Can you guess who it is?

My name is Dr. Alexander Harrison. I am a neuroscientist and PhD researcher with a degree in ophthalmology from Soapbox University* deserving of your time, attention and unquestioned trust. And I have an impressive beard. I wear tight t-shirts over my muscular shoulders so that straight women will be distracted by their desire to have sex with me and men will buy my supplements in an effort to be me.

Pay no regard to the multiple public allegations of dating-related misogyny that have been reported about me. Women should know that men like me are only as faithful as our options. And with my enormous brain and t-shirt muscles, my options are unlimited, sweetheart.

I love hearing myself talk and believe that everyone else in the world wants to spend hours of their lives listening to me talk. Why waste a moment in contemplative silence when you can listen to me drone on about my superior intellect? I love to interview other fascinating professionals about how my physician colleagues are woefully uninformed and untrustworthy. Then I pitch my supplements. I love the unregulated suppliment business! And all the delicious money they use to fill the void of my spiritual emptiness. That money also keeps me driving exotic cars and keeps straight women fawning for my attention. Gawd, I love supplements!

To be clear, I know everything there is to know about neuroscience, womanizing and supplements. And using my impressive, muscly, bearded persona to make money. Come to think of it, I probably should have been an actor. But my intelligence is far too superior to be a mere entertainer. The world needs and deserves my superior intellect.

In next week’s episode of the Harrison Podcast, sponsored by Active Collagen Brain Juice, I’ll be talking with a lady doctor about lady parts. I know, I know. We never should have let lady doctors become a thing because now they won’t shut up about perimenopause. But this is important because I need to not look like such an asshole to the women in my audience. Women are a great market for supplements. Pandering to them keeps me getting paid (and laid).

Anyway, Lady Doctor What’s-Her-Name is going to explain women’s anatomy to me because no one in the history of medicine thought it was important enough to study until 2019. Now the women folk are wanting to have orgasms. So I should probably figure out how the clitoris works. Not that any of my 200 oblivious Hinge dates ever complained about my superior sexual prowess. This lesson is for other guys.

Anyway, the legal team at Soapbox requires me to say that this podcast is separate from my Position of Intellectual Superiority at Soapbox University and none of the information contained in my hourslong tirades should be taken as a reflection on them. I want to use their Elite Reputation to make myself appear more credible but they don’t want to pay their lawyers to defend me against allegations of spreading misinformation. So don’t take any of this as medical advice because the whole point of this podcast is self-aggrandizement and a sales pitch for various products and supplements.

Today’s episode is sponsored by Grow Big Always Vitality Serum. Just rub Grow Big Always onto your earlobes twice daily and you too can have superior intellect, an impressive beard, muscles to fill out your t-shirts and women clamoring to get you in their bedrooms. But your intellect will never be as superior as mine.

Mike Birt's avatar

Well done! Very impressive research and a great reminder not to take claims at face value.

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