Self-optimization is exhausting. It's okay to stop.

Strategically pausing your pursuit of excellence just might make you even more excellent.

My self-criticism started two weeks ago and continued into this week.

“Dude, it’s been at least a week since you had a proper workout. You haven’t surfed in, what, two months? You still haven’t finished the major article that you promised yourself you were going to publish. Three days last week you failed to leave the house. Your heart rate hasn’t exceeded 95 beats per minute since March. You’ve fallen off your nighttime stretching routines. You’re flossing less. And here you are, eating a bag of Fritos at 11pm, watching NHL highlights on YouTube. 👏🏼 “

I feel schlubby and contagious

I couldn’t make sense of why I wasn’t even attempting to be more physically, mentally, emotionally, nutritionally and productively excellent. I felt schlubby—my expression for unambitious and unappealing. This descent into achieving only a fraction of what my ambition expected of me wasn’t exactly a banner ad for aging with strength.

What it was, I came to understand, was necessary. We all need time off from our relentless self-improvement schedules. It can be messy. Our bodies may slow down before our brains figure out what the hell is going on. Whereupon we may fill the void with self-criticism and self-loathing.

I’ve written about the importance of self-forgiveness and how your body is not you—meaning it’s worthy of your compassion and respect. But this was a different feeling, a different need. It was a need to pause, to press the brake and get off the optimization train to wander around the rocks and dirt beyond the station, looking at my palms, rubbing the calluses and wondering what, exactly, I’m doing out in this Fritoed wilderness. Far, far away from my self-optimization routines.

Though painful at times, after two weeks wandering through the Fields of Schlub, I figured it out: my body just needs a break; my brain, similarly, needs downtime away from the work of self-improvement. I think they actually end up working in my favor, setting myself up for a bigger leap forward, after a temporary step backward. To quote Nirvana from 1991¹:

I’m worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed

Sometimes, we need to loosen our grip on the daily or weekly need to be slightly more excellent than we were last week. Consider this a gentle reminder to give yourself permission to wander through your own Fields of Schlub when your body or brain or heart decides to strategically pause your optimization routines.

Just avoid the Fritos.

1. Smells Like Teen Spirit